FIELD GUIDE TO ASTROLOGICAL TYPES

Copyright 1995 by Kathy Biehl. All rights reserved. Permission is granted for electronic replication of this article only if you include the copyright notice.

Ever mindful of introducing our readers to provocative subjects (and irritating the non-metaphysically minded among you) (not to mention doing something with those yellowing manuscripts on the desk drawer), we bring you excerpts from years of ongoing astrological research. There's a little something to offend everyone.

This is not necessarily sun-sign astrology, by the way. There are, after all, at least 10 other planets and significant squiggles in a chart. The characteristics in this guide are indicative of a sign's strong influence somewhere in the subject's chart. In the lower left corner, say.

Aries / Taurus / Gemini / Cancer / Leo / Virgo / Libra
/ Sagittarius / Scorpio / Capricorn / Aquarius / Pisces

Aries
Characteristic markings: red shoes, tapping foot
Lucky number: One.
On the job: The quintessential entrepreneur; not a company man. Does not last long at lower rungs of hierarchy; either pushes everyone else out of the way (if his boss doesn't push him out first for insubordination) or runs out on his own because he can do it (whatever "it" is) better than anyone else.
In business meetings: Acts like he's in charge.
Special skills: Scheming. Ramrodding. Shoving.
The unevolved Aries: Picks fights for the hell of it. Is alarmingly fond of bulldozers.
The uncharitable might consider Aries: Pushy as hell.
Children's book: Go, Dog, Go
Movies:
Backdraft
The Charge of the Light Brigade
The General
Philosophy: "I (and only I) am it."

Taurus
Characteristic markings: Equipped with blinders, even if only metaphorically. Frequently found amidst wood and natural fibers. These are the people who keep L.L. Bean in business.
Characteristic behaviors: Using the word "my" to describe property owned with other people.
In business meetings: Can get nervous if things aren't explained step by step. Or steaming if things aren't going his way. Coping tip: If one attempts to commandeer or disrupt a meeting, look around the room for food anything will do and place it directly in front of the Taurus. Even bread will work as a distraction.
Special skill: Dexterity. These folks are incredible with their hands.
The unevolved Taurus: Does not know how to give presents. Talks only about what is staring him in the face. Can express concern for matters undetected by others, such as the decline in the quality of margarine. May find fulfillment working as a bank teller.
The uncharitable might consider Taurus: A stick-in-the-mud. When not a petty tyrant.
Fun fact: When Taurus shows something to you, he doesn't hand it over, but maintains a firm grasp while holding it out towards your eyes, if you're lucky.
Children's book: Ferdinand the Bull. Movies:
Diamonds are Forever
A Fistful of Dollars
Greed
How to Marry a Millionaire
The Hunger
If I Had a Million
The Man Who Came to Dinner
Raging Bull
Splendor in the Grass
Philosophy: "I hold on to it."

Gemini
Characteristic markings: An umbilical phone cord.
Characteristic behaviors: Eavesdropping on aeronautic weather broadcasts on short-wave radio.
Dream Gemini surroundings: Imagine a house with six phones; cassette and compact disk players; speakers in every room (including the master bath, the hot tub of which has a box of Mr. Bubble on the ledge); two VCRs (one wired through Dolby speakers in upstairs bedroom, downstairs den and kitchen); and three televisions. This house actually exists. Guess what sign lives in it.
Alone.
In meetings: Gemini is the one amusing himself (and everyone in eyeshot) with tiny electronic gadgets.
Special skills: Human Rolodex. The perfect Trivial Pursuit teammate, the demon opponent. Knows all the tricks you can do with the office phone system.
The unevolved Gemini: Has a 20-second attention span.
The uncharitable might consider Gemini: A Will o' the Wisp.
Fun fact: This is the person who actually calls all the numbers in the front of the phone book.
Children's book: Peter Pan.
Movies:
Broadcast News
Short Circuit
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines
Twins
Philosophy: "I talk about it."

Cancer
Characteristic markings:Exudes Mom-ness. Tends to un petit d' chub.
Characteristic behaviors: Honored to serve you food or beverages. Buys favorite foods by the case. May keep crustaceans as pets. Cries at nature films.
Dream Cancer surroundings: Home. Theirs.
In business meetings: This is a good person to assign to bring the doughnuts. While a few may get eaten along the way, that's okay, because Cancer will get too many in the first place.
The unevolved Cancer: Is prone to pouting.
The uncharitable might consider Cancer: Mommy's little cry baby.
Fun fact: Cancer men acquire china, crystal and silver regardless of the stiffness of their wrists.
Special skills: Kissing it and making it better. Whatever it is.
Children's book: Are You My Mommy?
Movies:
Coming Home
Mr. Mom
Parenthood
Picnic
Throw Momma From the Train
She's Having a Baby
Philosophy: "I nourish it. Is that all you're going to eat?"

Leo
Characteristic markings: Warm and unmissable (if not infectious) laugh. Bugle beads, rhinestones and 14-karat gold.
Characteristic behaviors: Travels in packs, at the center. (If he can't be the center of attention, he doesn't want to play, hence those loner Leos.) On the job: Likes a corner office. Acts like the boss even if he isn't, and often it's only a matter of time till he is. Tends to be suaver about it than Aries.
In business meetings: Sits at the head of the table.
The unevolved Leo: Won't share his toys, and takes yours.
The uncharitable might consider Leo: The ambulatory center of the universe.
Fun fact: Did a lot of time as royalty in past lives and may not quite grasp current-life surroundings or income levels.
Special skills: Grabbing restaurant checks.
Children's book: The Little Prince.
Movies:
The Man Who Would Be King
Rich & Famous
A Star is Born
Philosophy: "I take all of it. If I'm feeling generous, I'll give you some."

Virgo
Characteristic behaviors: Tells you how to live your life and, aggravatingly, is usually right. Looks forward to bathing.
On the job: Stashes vitamins, several brands of aspirin and its substitutes, and bandaids. Likes to read office supply catalogs.
Special skills: Expert on bath additives.
The uncharitable might consider Virgo: Neurotic. The ultimate fussbudget.
Fun facts: These people do not sweat. Some have close personal relationships with office equipment. Others have a genetic inability to fling a jacket over a chair so that it crumples.
Virgo with a Vengeance: The following behaviors, extreme even for this sign, are taken from documented cases, observed by our own researchers.
Vacuuming the carpets and washing the hardwoods every single day, and getting up at 4 a.m. to do it. (The predominant odor in this Virgo household was detergent.)
Scheduling a specific time and day each week to refill ice cube trays. (Unearthing this habit required persistent inquiry, due to initially contradictory behavior. One of our field researchers actually saw a casebook Virgo toss empty ice cube trays into a refrigerator freezer, an action that in some parts qualifies for the death penalty. When pressed, the Virgo explained that he refilled his trays once a week, on Saturday afternoons. This experience demonstrates one of the fundamentals of our work: When surface appearances make no sense, dig deeper.)
Children's Book: The Physician's Desk Reference
Movies:
Civilization
The Good Earth
Snow White
Philosophy:. "I analyze it. Do you think I'm worrying too much about it?"

Libra
Characteristic markings: A smile on the face, and a finger pointing at someone else.
Characteristic behaviors: Hates confrontation. Direct, that is. Will write you a letter or mouth off to someone else rather than come out and tell you something.
Rarely has a suggestion for where he wants to eat but always has something wrong to say about whatever you suggest, because he's waiting for you to read his mind and come up with the place he really wants to go.
The unevolved Libra: Can push even the most agreeable person to feelings of murder.
On the job: Libra office decor includes something that is there for no reason except that he admires its beauty.
In meetings: Libra can be extremely helpful, especially in troubled sessions (unless, of course, Libra is the source of the trouble.) This one will either sugar coat the bad news, or will shift the focus by going comatose with tension or provoking a fight.
Special skills: Can phrase the most damning insult so disarmingly that it eludes the recipient. Works most comfortably behind people's backs.
The uncharitable might consider Libra: The Queen Mother of passive- aggression.
Fun fact: Behold the true tyrant of the Zodiac.
Children's book: Miss Manners' Guide to Excrutiatingly Correct Behavior
Movies:
The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie
To Be or Not to Be
Philosophy: "I think about every possible angle, then let you guess my conclusion."

Scorpio
Characteristic markings: Intense eyes that say, "You can't hide from me." Characteristic behaviors: Prefers darkness. Likes bathrooms. Will talk about a subject, especially if it involves other people, with a dedication bordering on obsession, but is extremely circumspect about himself. Reads your mind.
The unevolved Scorpio: Maintains files on friends. Records phone conversations, no matter how trivial. Wants to possess you.
Pet Props: FBI-issue sunglasses, even (especially) indoors. Handcuffs. Photos of nudes.
On the job: Locks his desk.
Special skills: Esionage. Lying. Secrets. Loves 'em; keeps 'em; figures 'em out.
The uncharitable might consider Scorpio: Terrifying as hell.
Fun fact: Probably did a lot of past life time in dungeons.
Children's book: The Shining.
Movies:
Dangerous Liaisons.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
The Collector
Crime & Punishment
Flesh and the Devil
I Am Curious (Yellow)
I Love You to Death
Little Shop of Horrors
The Magnificent Obsession
Of Human Bondage
The Prisoner
Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!
Philosophy: "I spy on it."

Sagittarius
Characteristic markings: Dresses in Patagonian clothes.
Characteristic behaviors: Laughs to the point of tears. Takes trips. Likes to talk about the reasons behind anything and everything. Always up for ethnic food, to the extreme. Likes to surround himself with objects from foreign countries.
The unevolved Sagittarian: Tells unbelievably stupid jokes that would embarrass other people. Dream Sagittarius surroundings: Some place else.
On the job: Rarely at his desk.
The uncharitable might consider Sagittarius: The unsuspecting butt of a cosmic joke; here today, goon tomorrow.
Children's book: The Rand McNally World Atlas
Movies:
The Adventures of Don Juan
Around the World in 80 Days
Blazing Saddles
The Comic
Foreign Correspondent
The Nutty Professor
Safety Last
Urban Cowboy
Philosophy: "I play with it. Maybe. Unless I feel like playing somewhere else. Or with someone else. Don't bug me about it!"

Capricorn
Characteristic markings: Was born in a suit.
Characteristic behaviors: Working. Finds fulfillment paying bills. Surrounds self with fading photographs of older relatives.
Dream Capricorn surroundings: (a) Furnished just like Grandmother's; (b) inside a bank vault.
On the job: The ultimate company man. Capricorn actually feels guilty taking sick time.
Special skills: Balancing checkbooks. Being the Daddy.
The uncharitable might consider Capricorn: A boring old fart; the ultimate party pooper.
Fun fact: If Capricorns had the gumption to wager, which they don't, they'd clean up at "guess your age" stands at carnivals, due to a singular hormonal shift that occurs on their 30th birthdays and freezes the process of aging.
Children's book: The Little Engine That Could
Movies:
Executive Suite
Romancing the Stone
The Ten Commandments
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Wall Street
Philosophy: "I work on it and don't understand why all you fools aren't doing the same thing."

Aquarius
Characteristic markings: Attire that stems from another dimension in time/space. Characteristic behaviors: Distant and detached. Sometimes unwittingly. Owns objects that no one else has ever seen before. Has a sense of timing that is usually out of sync with the rest of this plane.
On the job: Keeps things in the office the are completely out of context.
In meetings: Aquarius is the one saying things that appear to be non sequiturs, which usually make sense to everyone else years down the line.
Special skills: Clearinghouse of people, lots of them interesting ones.
The uncharitable might consider Aquarius: Heartless aliens.
Fun fact: People often treat Aquarians as if they came from another planet, and maybe they did.
Children's book: A Wrinkle in Time
Movies:
Back to the Future
It Came From Outer Space
The Man Who Fell to Earth
The Misfits
Nothing Sacred
Rebel Without a Cause
Philosophy: "I know something weird about it."

Pisces
Characteristic markings: Sweet and dreamy expressions that make the rest of us wonder how they reach their destinations.
Characteristic behaviors: Apologizing for everything.
Talking to animals. Making do.
Pet props: Wine bottles. Pocket flasks. Fish trophies.
The unevolved Pisces: Steals hot-dogs from squirrels in the park. (It's been done. Really.)
On the job: A shoulder for everyone.
Special skills: Mind-melding.
The uncharitable might consider Pisces: A professional depressive.
Fun fact: Some are mystic, some out to lunch, some just chemically altered. Most are poster children for the existence of divine protection.
Children's book: The Little Mermaid
Movies:
The Blood of A Poet
Days of Heaven
The Dream Team
From Here to Eternity
Grand Illusion
Great Expectations
Philosophy: "I am one with it (and with everything else.)"

Excerpted from Ladies' Fetish & Taboo Society Compendium of Urban Anthropology
Falling Behind '94, Vol. VII, No. 3 & 4
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